I birth NATIONS

"If you educate a man, you educate an individual. If you educate a woman, you educate a nation." - Charles Kwegyir Aggrey.

#Truth

Can I sum it up?

2010.

I cant remember it. It was a blur. the only two constants were Beth and school.

I assume i ate as I am still alive. I assume I slept as I am not currently sleepy but I promise I cant remember this year.

Its a sad state of affairs.

Do I look forward to next year? IDK. I look forward to like 3 years from now. When my goals have been met. We will see what the next year holds.

the constants will be Beth, School and work. Everything else can fall where it wants. I will figure out the rest as time goes on.

Merry Christmas

Beths First Christmas.

Beautiful.

Wonderful.

Heartachingly beautiful.

I love my family.

Message in a bottle

feels good to see someone else so affected by this song they made their own video.

yin and yang

yin and yang.... push and pull... we push and pull and get no where but where we started knowing that it ended and we can no longer embrace but cant let go either and neither one of us can stop pushing and neither can stop pulling.. and one day it will be realized that we are yin and yang. the perfect balance.

Question: (I have an answer)

Ok so Im chatting via FB and I was asked this (Im gonna copy and paste and no names shall be used to protect the innocent... save myself that is)

Friend: question...in your opinion what makes a good relationship

ME: I feel like the person is my best friend
(5 minute lapse)
Oh must I say more?

Friend: yes please do

ME: Like I think that a good relationship starts from the two people being able to best relate to each other as best friends

Like you dont always have to be up under ya best friend because you are secure in yalls relationship

you can tell them anything and joke with them about it all
confide in them and best friends know everything about you and still like you

Best friends consider each others feelings and deeply and genuinely care for one another

and its sad to say but usually we will think twice before soing our best friend wrong but will go ahead and do our significant other wrong and think only to deal with if we get caught

communication isnt a issue with best friends because they openly talk

and I believe that this should all be in the foundation for a lasting relationship.

Love is the house

chemistry is the decoration

and the two people can live in that mutha fucka forever so long as they take care of it

___________________________________________________________________________________

Thats how I would answer that question... in case u were wondering

"You Are An Absolute In A World Full Of Variables"

I was told about myself today. And the title is but a excerpt from the pages full of words that defined my character through anothers eyes. I did not realize that for so long I was fiercely loyal to my now ex... and Father of my child. I did not realize how much I have changed. I see how much I mist chance in order to move forward. Somehow I cannot see the path that I HAVE walked but see the path that I MUST walk... because no one else can do it for me. I was told "I Forever Am In Debt To The Creator For Allowing Him To Place You Within My Life & Embedded Within My Mind..."

After years of being with someone who didnt know my worth to being able to spend a few moments with someone new its crazy that they would feel this way but it makes ME feel appreciated.

Maybe thats all I want and need... Is someone to make me feel appreciated not for what I do for them.. but simply for who I am. Someone who will be as LOYAL to me as I can be to them.... Give me reason to believe. Give me reason to continue to be WHO I AM... Who am I? I lost it along the way. Im sure. I will find it again.

"I will love when it hurts"

Yeah I quoted myself.

I used to do it all the time. But its funny the weight of this one sentence. Im not asking someone to love me. I am telling you what I will do. What I am willing to do.

But is that fair to me?

Love is a silly silly emotion. It clouds judgment... it intesnifies everything around you. The greens are greener the reds MORE RED! It makes the Schnozzberries taste like SCHNOZZBERRIES!!!

Love is fickle. It is rarely kind loving and fair. But when everything else dies. Love remains.

Love is everlasting. and its a weakness I dont mind being strong for.

And until I find one worthy... I will hide my strengths and show only my weaknesses and protect them with everything I have. My heart is fragile and yet made of the coldest marble. Cool to the touch. Smooth and without flaw.

I am beautiful. I am love personified. Maybe THATS what intimidates you.

Girls just wanna

I heard this and for some reason I thought it was Fe Fe Dobson *who I LOOOVVEEEE* but its Miley.... hmm does this make me a closet Miley fan?

The Empressess New Shoes

I should totally take pics of these new boots and post them. THEY ARE AWESOME! And the most Ive paid for boots. *me personally I think... wait no I used to buy timbs so they were more expensive. Speaking of which I need a pair of timbs....*

But I think I like them. They are nice boots though.

Found out that I thought I was a womans 6. *I used to be an 8... or should I say a "Misses" 8 and I am now literally HALF the size I used to be. a 4.* Good or bad... IDK I couldntt find the pants that I really wanted in my size. But whatever. I guess I should just count it as a blessing right? I could be TWICE my old size. A lot less work to gain weight than it is to lose it.

BETH... is the silliest baby ever invented. She is such a HAM! She is walking and all. And Shes always in such a good mood. Im so blessed. I love my little family

touch and go...

Little black dresses.

thigh high boots.

BUT I REFUSE TO WEAR A MEAN HEEL! I feel like I can have some BAD ASS flats on. Or maybe a slight wedge. BLAH.

Boot shopping tomorrow. Thats what we do. Shoes and more shoes. I need some new jeans.

Beth just got another pair of shoes. She learned how to walk in the shoes I got her. Its funny how when you truly pay attention to your child you can tell at a glance what will work for them and how well they take to it.

This semester is winding to a close.

Today I have cut 2 people out of my life for good. They have lingered for far too long :( This week the grand total is 3.

Im tired and I need a slight rest....

WAIIITTT A SECOND!!! I think I know what Im wearing to the party on friday LLS! *Ugh I am so random its sickening*

Oh My brother doesnt know it yet but Im about to steal his new book and read it. Its called: "The Year Of Living Biblically:One mans HUMBLE QUEST to Follow the Bible as Literally as possible. (This should be INTERESTING!)

Gotta love big brothers!!!

Since we are talking siblings. Im fairly certain that Beth is going to be an only child. Mostly because of my age. I dont wanna try to pull back together a 2nd baby body after Im 35. :( Yeah so not the business. SO Beth will probably be the only one. I still have it in my heart to foster and maybe adopt but that will be later. later later later. Everything is always later. Isnt it?

Mi wan fi hold yuh

I love this song. Have since I heard it the first time. The remix is cool too but this was the song that put Gyptian on the map of my music heart. Right now its the theme to my day....

Elizabeths First Christmas/ First Steps

Elizabeth took her first official steps on Veterans Day. Last night she took over 7 steps. and kept repeating at least 2-4 steps. EXCITEMENT!!!

I put up the Christmas tree The day after Thanksgiving as is my tradition in my head. I love this... decking the halls.

Well Happy Holidays to yall from myself and my beautiful ball of joy Elizabeth *9 months old 25 lbs and 29 inches tall)

two strand twists and dread locs

So i did say that I would blog about my natural hair. Its been in 2 strand twists for like6 weeks. As soon as I decided that I wanted to loc my hair I realized that I missed my waves and curls. but I havent taken my hair out as of yet. I actually just adorned my hair with these glass beads that I have had for a few years since before I went to Iraq actually.

But I am gonna take these out. I have gotten a new conditioner that will make my hair smell WONDERFUL I cant wait to take these damned things out lol. ESPECIALLY since I cant seem to get free help with my hair. But its all good. Just because you do for others doesnt obligate them to do for you. Something i learned when i was 17 but over the last 10 years I have found that I am learning it over and over again.

Oh...
man....

I am turning 28 on Jan 7th. WOW. How will I celebrate THAT one? LOL! Im not sure but I do wanna celebrate it.

Right now I am getting ready for the rest of these holidays.

Tell the girls that I am back in town

does anyone else find themselves running in endless circles much like a gerbil trying to get exercise?

you find yourself running yourself ragged just to find yourself back at the place you started.

Im not saying rut like activity... more like you start here work work work... and you think youve ended there.... just to come back full circle to here again.

What the poo is that all about?

blah.

I was told that I was beautifull yesterday. Actually Im told on an often enough occasion that I should believe when the sentiment is expressed. However I dont. I believe its all apart of some elaborate *and sometimes not so elaborate* plan to break my widdle heart in to teensy weensy pieces. So beautiful is not what I want to be. at least not to other people. But somewhere in that I forgot to be beautiful to me.

I am bringing myself back to the middle.

anyway

Either its foggy as hell outside OR its raining so hard that it looks foggy. smh.

naive

ii have come to the realization that ii am very naive.

ii thought that to gain love you must love through pain.

and if love was done right it was supposed to hurt a bit.

not asking for all sunshiny days.

but to have to sit in the blinding rain of thunderstorms and wait for the rainbow

maybe thats just too much.

the design of love imprinted on my heart is flawed.

Now ii am doing reverse engineering of my heart soul and mind.

when ii have time...

ii will build my babylon again.

never to fall to the attacks of

the attacks of...

well...

love is the intangible thing that has my heart mimic jericho everytime.

ii am tumbling

ii have tumbled

down
down
down

and ii am looking up.

ii see nothing.

ii am my own zenith.

with ME.

I am rising.

Past.

I am on top.

Catalog the Insanity

I smell it coming from your pores

*sigh*

I can see it. running down your face when you sweat.

Your heart is bleeding... crying.

Youre bitter. Mad.

But not at me. With yourself.

These things you say to me. its issues you have to deal with within yourself.

I refuse to subject myself to you.

You cant be happy when you are eternally mad.

This right now will be cataloged with my "happy times"

I am able to fight through and not be able to be pulled under in the quick sand of your spite.

You will not treat her as a possesion.

She is not some trinket, some token of affection. Something given to me that you feel you can pull away.

No sir.
No ma'am.

I did not namesake she Bauble.

This is no longer a game of which I am a player.

Too long.

I can smell the bitterness coming from your pores

much like whiskey on the brow of an old drunkard.

and for that I refer you to a therapy group.

cause you need something.

but no longer will it be me.

Do I have the heart?

Its been too long

But its because I dont have much to say.

if you are my friend on FB you know I always refer to my counseling class as counseling itself. So still on that tip. Last night was interesting. We did marriage counseling. Its weird what you find yourself revealing while in this particular class.

But anywho

My Beth has 4 teeth now. smh. She can "walk" by holding onto stuff pretty much all over the house. she gets from the living room into the dining room into the kitchen. I dont know where my baby went.

I taught her how to say "Hi Mama" and "Hi Dada" So the next time she sees her Daddy she can say "Hi Dada" I think that will be cute. BUT anyway homework to do. Have to fold a few more clothes and I have something to put together. *sigh*

Enjoyed spending my morning with my friend though. :)

Tooth Fairy

I have a 5 year old niece. Her name is Zion.

Zion has probably been the MOST excited person in my family about Beth since she found out Beth was in my stomach at 10 weeks. She is probably the best big cousin Beth could ask for. And she has many to choose from.

Zion has lost 4 teeth so far in the past year. What we tell her is that the Tooth fairy comes to get them and that she gives them to Beth. So when she loses a tooth its helping Beth out because it gives Beth a tooth. Right now Zion is missing her two front teeth. Beth has two teeth now.

The other day when Zion lost her last front tooth she went to her NyaNya's house (We dont say Grandmother we say Nya Nya)She placed her tooth under the pillow and the next morning went to Nya Nya upset and said "The tooth fairy stole my tooth! And left me a dollar!" I told her that was a good exchange. And then I found out the dollar had a 10 on it. I believe when I was younger we got 50 cents for teeth.

Inflation. brought to you by the Tooth Fairy

Beths 2nd tooth

My Beth has gotten through the tough times with this tooth. Already. And is back to her smiling little chubby self. So heres tooth number two. Tooth number one came in Aug 26th. Where did my baby go?

Deciduous trees

The leaves have begun to fall from the trees

The first of the leaves at least.

Beth was born when there was snow on the ground.

I have experienced her first winter

her first summer

and now the beginning of her first fall.....

Has the time slipped away so quickly?

On the 21st of this month Beth will be 7 months old.

Beth has now cut her second tooth.

It makes me shake my head.

So now begins fall and then winter and my baby will be one year old.

When she hits that point I will be 28.

Life changes so quickly.

Beth is the love of my life.

And already she is growing up.

Not a high-heeled Diva

Im on twitter and I notice @Pbttttttttttttt's default pic. Skinny jeans leading to some uber high heels.

I dont wear heels. I dont wear short skirts. Or red lipstick or blush. Or anything with glitter on it.

So anywho I start tweeting about how I wish I could wear a mean ass heel. I mean a serious heel and just strut. A red heel. A short skirt. A button down shirt. a little rouge. And walk... just hit it! Like RuPaul herself taught me how to strut.

In my current state... If I put on heels.... Im liable to kill myself. Im clumsy. Im graceful on the track. Intimidating on the basketball court. Im a fortress of a mother. But sex kitten diva extraordinaire I am not and will most likely never be.

just something that made me go hmmmm

~Ave

IHOP

I am goofy. Silly. Simple. mostly just goofy as all outdoors.

My sister and I went to IHOP with a mutual friend and I almost died laughing.

at what? I cant recall but I know I could not stop laughing.

Good times.

~Ave

Pa-pa Pa-Parazzi

Calla lillies

Because I care. The most important women in my life will be getting Calla Lillies here soon. Not just the flowers but the plant. That way the same way they have nourished and watered me with wisdom throughout my life and helped me grow they can do the same for said plant....

Fast Forward.

Got to see a long time friend.

Its always funny to me when people tell me they like my hair. There are those who genuinely mean it and I can tell they want to ask more questions. There are those who do ask more questions. And then there are those who say it as if I needed their approval in order for me to continue to wear my hair natural.

Sorry, Ive never lived my life in the approval lane.

But to see this friend and he be amazed that in my getting older and becoming a mother and back to being natural again that I am not just beautiful but am more beautiful now than I was at a tender 20 *when we met* does make me giggle.

What I have found that is beautiful about me is not my hair or my accomplishments. Its the calm that I have developed in knowing myself. Im not saying that I am in a steady never ending meditative state of being everyday. Not at all the case. What does happen is I bring myself back to the middle. Regroup and head out again.

I have redefined so much of myself. Does this mean I have changed? Not to me. It means that before whatever I had it labeled, I have gone through sorted and relabeled. Unknowingly so. This understanding of self has brought this calm. This beauty... serenity... this love to the front. And that is what glows. This is my strongest magnet.

*soft sigh*

Onto the rest of the day

~Ave

Uggghhh it begins!

So I want to yell and scream and pull my hair right now... just so I wont have to do it later. :)

I wonder where the calm comes from... should I be waiting for the storm then?

Beth is dealing with 3 more teeth that look like they are terrorizing her gums currently.

My semester has just started.

I have lost so much weight from nursing Beth that I do not fit ANYTHING in my closet properly. No really. Should that be a complaint? Probably not. But to go from 161 pre-Beth to 215ish the day of giving birth to Beth and now 6 months post-beth 143lbs... Thats quite an issue.

*eye roll*

Right now... drill. Time to put on my Big Sarge hat for the weekend.

p.s. My advice to all new mothers regardless of age. if you want to lose the weight without working out. Nurse. With a vengeance. Be dedicated completely and utterly and your body will not fail you. On either shore.

~Ave

Sir, Are you bitter?

When you have accepted everything for what it is and want no changes... dont want to go backward... and only want to go forward... You cannot be bitter.

But to always be angry and full of spite denotes your unsettled being. I dont understand that. Well not now. I was that way over 7 years ago. But experience is the greatest creator of Wisdom.

Today I understand why I had to go through what I did in my past so that I would be prepared for today.

I see beauty in all things around me. I see the opportunity for growth, I accept my newfound wisdom and admire my unknown maturity.

Thank you.

A lesson.

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

I am remembering love...

Bitterness has a way of eating at a person. Stinging them so they cant see the lesson to be learned or even remember "the good times"

Me personally Id rather smile than lay in waiting within the muck of bitterness. Rubbing salt in fresh deep wounds and rinsing it every day with the bitterest of lemons.

I remember each love as if it were new love. I dont really reminisce... I dont live in the past. I just remember. Sigh and move on. I believe those moments of happiness will bring me greater moments later.

Like a reserve stored up for just when I need it.

Sometimes holding on holds you back.

Ive always wanted to be free. I follow my spirit.

And right now shes happy and uncaged.

~Ave

Fell in love

Ok so I thought I wanted a boy also. Like one boy one girl. But I swear I want another girl now. I have fallen in love with the name Samantha Danielle. If you dont know my first daughter *my only child right now* her name is Elizabeth Grace. I dont even have a boy name right now its crazy. I will be more than happy with myself Beth and Sam. Awwww.

Oh for an update about my fat mama. She is 6 months old. She has her 6 month check up tomorrow. She has finally cut a tooth!



She is trying to pull herself into the standing position. But so far she is just pulling herself into the kneeling position. She loves sweet potatoes. and she just started eating the gerber baby food dinners. a few weeks ago she wouldnt eat them now she will eat a lil bit of them. Im proud of her progress but it hurts too. I nursed her. Never gave her formula. And now that she is moving onto food it feels like she doesnt need me any more. However she will damn near fight herself out of someones arms to get to me.

She has also started to try to cling to my legs and my pant leg. So I guess theres a balance. *shrug* I dont know....

Oh yeah new semester is starting soon. *eye roll* Im excited though. I love learning.

til then be love

~Avesha

I wanna go to the beautiful

Cuz Baby I am!

Tryna do right by you got me here.

I am feeling this too hard.

Untitled 11.14.2004

Trying to forget the music that played.
I stayed
For just a little past too long.

So life sang her crazy sad chaotic
techno song.
And I..
I could only dace to the music she played.

And paid my price my heartfelt price,
through every beat and rhythm.
I cried.

On every beat.
I died.
Over and over.

Hedonistic staccato.

My heart keeps the same pace,
right on beat with every song.

I danced.

But how do I laugh?
Haunted by thoughts Im trying to be rid of.

Im trying to forget the music that played.
The song that made me dance for so long.

~Avesha

Love this site!

http://beanie4meplusurban.bigcartel.com/products

She is always posting new stuff and she hand makes everything. i need to get my crochet game up lol

Means to an end

This shit has been like a car crash.

You see it coming

You hope it doesnt happen.

You become captivated then engulfed.

and in the aftermath you wonder why you didnt stop,
you recall all the red flags that said stop,
remember all the precautions you didnt take.

regret.
accept.
die.

And then breathe.

______________

yeah thats about where I am right now.

I could really use a wish right now

Umm

I just wish I could dance. Not like booty bumpin in the club. Cause anyone can gyrate their hips. I mean legitimate ballet jazz something formal. Run from one side of the stage to the other and leap and be graceful. I wouldnt consider myself to be graceful. not in the least bit, especially not after the wrecking ball that was Beth LOL. But Im working on getting it back. One day... MARK MY WORDS!!!

Be Love Avesha

Allow me to ReIntroduce myself!

So much has gone on and gone down since my last blog post!!!

I have neglected this thing so much! But at least you didnt have to read all my random emotion filled rants and raves of a pregnant woman and new mother. Oh boy what a helluva roller coaster ride!!! :)

I said that I would be redoing my blog. I guess this time its on my daily thoughts. Beth of course *Who is going to be 6 months soon!*, School *speaking of which I have another final today*, My impending ETS date, Me finishing out my 27th year, Being a first time mother, My natural hair *Which is just lovely* my musical tastes, and any other random subjects I find laying around. :)

So maybe today will include a few new posts. maybe it wont.

Ive finally started getting it together. It feels good :) Be back later with something profound.... or not.

Be Love,
Avesha